Well it seems I was having a highly volatile emotional day yesterday. I was definitely feeling down and out, and while I do not feel the same today, I am still left feeling a mixture of things today.
As an update to what happened with my aforementioned date, after 4 days he sent me a message to say "how's your week going?" Actually it was almost more like 5 days since the message came very late in the evening. For some reason, instead of being relieved, I was extremely angry. Admittedly a lot of that was because of whatever wild hormonal, lunar experience I was going through, but in the light of a new day, where I am somewhat more rational, I still feel at a loss in this situation. My heart and my gut tell me this guy is just wasting my time. What I really feel, is that he spent those days of non-communication checking around to see if there was anyone else that was a better option, and when nothing came of that, he messaged me again. I don't expect him to be exclusive to me after two dates, but I also don't want to be made to be a fall back incase nothing better comes along. I deserve better. I also feel like there were some discrepancies in the relationship that were potential deal breakers. Fundamental things that you can't just compromise your way through. But there is another part of me that is worried that I am being too rash and blowing things way out of proportion. Is it possible that he thinks not messaging until late in the day, four days after our date, is actually totally normal? Is it possible he thinks everything is great? I mean how can he go from jamming his tongue in my mouth and cupping a breast to nothing for 4 days? So maybe he does think this is ok and progressing at a normal speed.
I honestly think my biggest issue right now is that I am pissed off about the delay in conversation because it makes me feel like he is just dicking me around. As I said in my previous post, it's not like this was an amazing date and I don't feel like this would probably be more then just a few weeks of casual dating because of the aforementioned deal breakers. So is it worth it to keep going out with him or are we both just wasting time? On the other hand, it's not like I have men banging down the door over here so what's the harm…. And then in the back of my mind I just can't get help but worry about what happens in 6 months or 12 months if I don't meet anyone else, will I regret my decision to call it off with this guy? Am I being rash? I just don't know what to do.
Why is it so complicated and why am I making it so complicated???
So tonight I'm signing off as confused and irritated. Hopefully I will have good news and fun stories for you soon.
Cheers,
Wednesday 12 February 2014
Tuesday 11 February 2014
HERE WE GO AGAIN...
I don't know why, but for some reason this year's impending romance holiday is really getting me down. Is it the miserable weather we've had this year? Is it the fact that it's on a Friday so everyone is blowing it wildly out of proportion? Is it that fact that I came so close to actually having a potential date, but the for reason's unknown to me, I got rejected yet again? Is it just that I am another year older and no closer to having a family of my own? Perhaps it's all of the above.
Whatever the reason, I am just feeling a little down this year. I'm sure this recent rejection is not helping things. It's not like this guy was fireworks amazing and made me feel like my search had ended. In fact, I was fairly confident there was no future long term relationship there, but it was nice to go out with someone who I could actually hold a conversation with. I don't really know what happened, which I think is what makes it all the more difficult. Granted we only went out twice, and he doesn't really owe me anything, but he did stick his tongue in my mouth and cop a feel at the end of the second date, which did seem a little bold for a 2nd date, and so it seems like maybe I deserve a little more then just radio silence as a rejection. Then again, would I really feel better if I got the old "you're great, but I just don't see this working out for me" message? Probably not, and I'd still be no further ahead in wondering what the hell happened.
I think for me, the age thing is a huge factor, but on top of that there is this social pressure and expectation to mate and bare forth children into the world that is weighing on me. Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I can not meet anyone. Almost everyone I know has paired up with someone, and yet, in spite of my best attempts, I can not meet anyone. It certainly makes me feel inadequate. And now I've met someone who seemed normal, but has now dumped me. It begs the question what is wrong with me? I have a friend who insists that I am putting out the wrong energy and I repel men. I just recently was talking to someone who was telling me about a friend who went on-line and got so many men messaging her she had to shut her account down because it was overwhelming. I can barely get one person to message me. I just don't get it, what am I doing wrong? I have a good job, I have no baggage, I'm not a troll to look at… What is missing?
Everyone has advice, accept they are all people who are married or in couples and don't really understand what it's like to be single anymore. I constantly hear "you're too picky" well yes, I am picky because I don't want to end up with some slack jawed looser just for the sake of having "a man." I also keep hearing "you have lots of time" but lets face it, time is something that is very quickly running out.
I am very frustrated. I spent a long time being hurt and angry about a previous relationship, a relationship that damaged me very deeply. It took a long time for me to let go of that and finally feel ready to allow someone back into my heart. Unfortunately it seems that maybe it took too long and now I will never have that opportunity again.
This is a lot to unload here, but I'm pretty sure no one I know reads this any more so I'm sure it doesn't matter. Really I just needed somewhere to vent without being told to stop projecting negative energy, or to try looking somewhere else, or to stop being so choosey. I just needed to say that I am feeling hurt and alone and like a failure, without anyone trying to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I have to fix it. Maybe I am just too late and there is nothing left out there for me and maybe I just have to be ok with that. In any case, it is not easy to do when every other commercial is about valentines and finding your perfect mate.
Signed, sad and lonely tonight
Cheers,
Whatever the reason, I am just feeling a little down this year. I'm sure this recent rejection is not helping things. It's not like this guy was fireworks amazing and made me feel like my search had ended. In fact, I was fairly confident there was no future long term relationship there, but it was nice to go out with someone who I could actually hold a conversation with. I don't really know what happened, which I think is what makes it all the more difficult. Granted we only went out twice, and he doesn't really owe me anything, but he did stick his tongue in my mouth and cop a feel at the end of the second date, which did seem a little bold for a 2nd date, and so it seems like maybe I deserve a little more then just radio silence as a rejection. Then again, would I really feel better if I got the old "you're great, but I just don't see this working out for me" message? Probably not, and I'd still be no further ahead in wondering what the hell happened.
I think for me, the age thing is a huge factor, but on top of that there is this social pressure and expectation to mate and bare forth children into the world that is weighing on me. Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I can not meet anyone. Almost everyone I know has paired up with someone, and yet, in spite of my best attempts, I can not meet anyone. It certainly makes me feel inadequate. And now I've met someone who seemed normal, but has now dumped me. It begs the question what is wrong with me? I have a friend who insists that I am putting out the wrong energy and I repel men. I just recently was talking to someone who was telling me about a friend who went on-line and got so many men messaging her she had to shut her account down because it was overwhelming. I can barely get one person to message me. I just don't get it, what am I doing wrong? I have a good job, I have no baggage, I'm not a troll to look at… What is missing?
Everyone has advice, accept they are all people who are married or in couples and don't really understand what it's like to be single anymore. I constantly hear "you're too picky" well yes, I am picky because I don't want to end up with some slack jawed looser just for the sake of having "a man." I also keep hearing "you have lots of time" but lets face it, time is something that is very quickly running out.
I am very frustrated. I spent a long time being hurt and angry about a previous relationship, a relationship that damaged me very deeply. It took a long time for me to let go of that and finally feel ready to allow someone back into my heart. Unfortunately it seems that maybe it took too long and now I will never have that opportunity again.
This is a lot to unload here, but I'm pretty sure no one I know reads this any more so I'm sure it doesn't matter. Really I just needed somewhere to vent without being told to stop projecting negative energy, or to try looking somewhere else, or to stop being so choosey. I just needed to say that I am feeling hurt and alone and like a failure, without anyone trying to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I have to fix it. Maybe I am just too late and there is nothing left out there for me and maybe I just have to be ok with that. In any case, it is not easy to do when every other commercial is about valentines and finding your perfect mate.
Signed, sad and lonely tonight
Cheers,
Wednesday 22 January 2014
POLAR VORTEX: SUPER VILAIN
As promised, here comes a second blog right into your living room, or bed room, or kitchen or hell, even bathroom. Who am I to judge what you do in the privacy of your home?
First thing's first people. It is bloody cold out there, unless you're in Australia, then it is flaming hot out there! This morning on my way to work I was trying to figure out why it looked hazy when it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't haze, it was the air freezing. Yes, it was so cold the that the air was actually freezing. That is bloody cold. Fortunately for me I have a co-op student who is desperately trying to impress us so he'll get a job at the end of his co-op term, and subsequently does all the grunt work for me which means I get to sit in the nice warm work truck and watch while he does the out door stuff. Ahhh ain't seniority great!
I hazard to mention this as I have not really discussed with anyone, so if anyone I know is still reading this it will come as a surprise. I have a date on Sunday. Just a coffee date, but a date nonetheless. This of course leads to a series of hysterical issues to deal with and decisions to be made. The first major concern is the aforementioned 20lbs I gained between July and now (tomorrow is Weight Watcher's weigh in day so hopefully that 20lbs will be closer to 15lbs). Now I must find a way to cloak the fat, some kind of clever disguise that makes me look like I have not just swallowed a hippopotamus whole. Also there is the never ending issue of my hair to establish. Admittedly it was a poor choice to plan a date at 2pm the Sunday after what promises to be an alcohol filled Saturday, so now I have to also concern myself with appearing to be bright eyed and bushy tailed when most likely all I'll want to do is eat McDonald's in my PJ's. But I am always up for a challenge, especially when it comes to dating, so I'll pull up my boots and put on my big girl pants (or maybe moo-moo if that makes me look slimmer) and get out there! I'm sure, if nothing else it will make for some blog-worthy material.
In other news I have no idea what to say to 19 year old boys. I'm not sure I ever did, but now that I am nearly 15 years older them, I REALLY, REALLY don't know what to say to them, This is to do with co-op student. There were long award pauses followed by stories in which he used words like"stoked" and "jacked" and I felt like when I was talking I should have been starting every story with "well in my day…" Oh the generation gap, it can only get worse…
Well I guess that's all I have to say for today. Tomorrow is kettle bell bootcamp round 5 so if I'm not too exhausted from that I will give a wee synapsis of what that hell is like.
Cheers,
First thing's first people. It is bloody cold out there, unless you're in Australia, then it is flaming hot out there! This morning on my way to work I was trying to figure out why it looked hazy when it suddenly dawned on me that it wasn't haze, it was the air freezing. Yes, it was so cold the that the air was actually freezing. That is bloody cold. Fortunately for me I have a co-op student who is desperately trying to impress us so he'll get a job at the end of his co-op term, and subsequently does all the grunt work for me which means I get to sit in the nice warm work truck and watch while he does the out door stuff. Ahhh ain't seniority great!
I hazard to mention this as I have not really discussed with anyone, so if anyone I know is still reading this it will come as a surprise. I have a date on Sunday. Just a coffee date, but a date nonetheless. This of course leads to a series of hysterical issues to deal with and decisions to be made. The first major concern is the aforementioned 20lbs I gained between July and now (tomorrow is Weight Watcher's weigh in day so hopefully that 20lbs will be closer to 15lbs). Now I must find a way to cloak the fat, some kind of clever disguise that makes me look like I have not just swallowed a hippopotamus whole. Also there is the never ending issue of my hair to establish. Admittedly it was a poor choice to plan a date at 2pm the Sunday after what promises to be an alcohol filled Saturday, so now I have to also concern myself with appearing to be bright eyed and bushy tailed when most likely all I'll want to do is eat McDonald's in my PJ's. But I am always up for a challenge, especially when it comes to dating, so I'll pull up my boots and put on my big girl pants (or maybe moo-moo if that makes me look slimmer) and get out there! I'm sure, if nothing else it will make for some blog-worthy material.
In other news I have no idea what to say to 19 year old boys. I'm not sure I ever did, but now that I am nearly 15 years older them, I REALLY, REALLY don't know what to say to them, This is to do with co-op student. There were long award pauses followed by stories in which he used words like"stoked" and "jacked" and I felt like when I was talking I should have been starting every story with "well in my day…" Oh the generation gap, it can only get worse…
Well I guess that's all I have to say for today. Tomorrow is kettle bell bootcamp round 5 so if I'm not too exhausted from that I will give a wee synapsis of what that hell is like.
Cheers,
Saturday 18 January 2014
UH, OK SO IT'S 2014 NOW...
I know, it's been a loooong time and I mean a looooong time since I blogged. It's so long now that I feel awkward even talking about it. I mean, how do I address such a long hiatus? If I don't talk about it is that weird, or if I dwell on it does it seem too whiney (whining probably isn't that far off my repertoire from previous posts so maybe this is a moot point)? I really don't know what the protocol is here. I think I'm just going to dive in and start typing and see what comes out on the other side.
Big life updates are as follows: I moved
and I gained 20lbs
That pretty much covers the last several months that I have been MIA. The move is very good. The 20lbs is not so good. In fairness I've lost almost 5lbs of that, but still, it's a huge back slide. In any case, I'm not beating myself up over that. I'm trying this new thing where I like and accept who I am for whatever the number on the scale or shape I am. It's kind of liberating and it makes life a lot easier.
What else… I moved which means I have a bigger house to keep clean, but that's going ok. It turns out that when you like a house it makes you more inclined to not let it turn into a discussing cesspool of filth. I vacuum this place like it's my new favourite hobby. I even bought a new device to steam clean the floors with. Madness I tell you.
No real news on the man front, at least nothing that happened that was worth reporting, I mean no crazy weird dates that actually stand out. I am talking with a new gentlemen right now, but who knows where that will lead.
So there it is, an update from the last time I blogged. A sad 5 paragraph update that brings us right up to now. Oh admittedly I'm sure there were some ridiculous things that happened along the way, but they are so far lost in my psyche now that I couldn't dredge them up if I wanted to.
So I'll leave you with this, a promise to maintain some kind of regular update of blog. I don't know what that might look like, but I am hopeful it will be more then an 8 month cycle.
That is all for now,
Cheers
Big life updates are as follows: I moved
and I gained 20lbs
That pretty much covers the last several months that I have been MIA. The move is very good. The 20lbs is not so good. In fairness I've lost almost 5lbs of that, but still, it's a huge back slide. In any case, I'm not beating myself up over that. I'm trying this new thing where I like and accept who I am for whatever the number on the scale or shape I am. It's kind of liberating and it makes life a lot easier.
What else… I moved which means I have a bigger house to keep clean, but that's going ok. It turns out that when you like a house it makes you more inclined to not let it turn into a discussing cesspool of filth. I vacuum this place like it's my new favourite hobby. I even bought a new device to steam clean the floors with. Madness I tell you.
No real news on the man front, at least nothing that happened that was worth reporting, I mean no crazy weird dates that actually stand out. I am talking with a new gentlemen right now, but who knows where that will lead.
So there it is, an update from the last time I blogged. A sad 5 paragraph update that brings us right up to now. Oh admittedly I'm sure there were some ridiculous things that happened along the way, but they are so far lost in my psyche now that I couldn't dredge them up if I wanted to.
So I'll leave you with this, a promise to maintain some kind of regular update of blog. I don't know what that might look like, but I am hopeful it will be more then an 8 month cycle.
That is all for now,
Cheers
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