I don't know why, but for some reason this year's impending romance holiday is really getting me down. Is it the miserable weather we've had this year? Is it the fact that it's on a Friday so everyone is blowing it wildly out of proportion? Is it that fact that I came so close to actually having a potential date, but the for reason's unknown to me, I got rejected yet again? Is it just that I am another year older and no closer to having a family of my own? Perhaps it's all of the above.
Whatever the reason, I am just feeling a little down this year. I'm sure this recent rejection is not helping things. It's not like this guy was fireworks amazing and made me feel like my search had ended. In fact, I was fairly confident there was no future long term relationship there, but it was nice to go out with someone who I could actually hold a conversation with. I don't really know what happened, which I think is what makes it all the more difficult. Granted we only went out twice, and he doesn't really owe me anything, but he did stick his tongue in my mouth and cop a feel at the end of the second date, which did seem a little bold for a 2nd date, and so it seems like maybe I deserve a little more then just radio silence as a rejection. Then again, would I really feel better if I got the old "you're great, but I just don't see this working out for me" message? Probably not, and I'd still be no further ahead in wondering what the hell happened.
I think for me, the age thing is a huge factor, but on top of that there is this social pressure and expectation to mate and bare forth children into the world that is weighing on me. Sometimes I feel like such a failure because I can not meet anyone. Almost everyone I know has paired up with someone, and yet, in spite of my best attempts, I can not meet anyone. It certainly makes me feel inadequate. And now I've met someone who seemed normal, but has now dumped me. It begs the question what is wrong with me? I have a friend who insists that I am putting out the wrong energy and I repel men. I just recently was talking to someone who was telling me about a friend who went on-line and got so many men messaging her she had to shut her account down because it was overwhelming. I can barely get one person to message me. I just don't get it, what am I doing wrong? I have a good job, I have no baggage, I'm not a troll to look at… What is missing?
Everyone has advice, accept they are all people who are married or in couples and don't really understand what it's like to be single anymore. I constantly hear "you're too picky" well yes, I am picky because I don't want to end up with some slack jawed looser just for the sake of having "a man." I also keep hearing "you have lots of time" but lets face it, time is something that is very quickly running out.
I am very frustrated. I spent a long time being hurt and angry about a previous relationship, a relationship that damaged me very deeply. It took a long time for me to let go of that and finally feel ready to allow someone back into my heart. Unfortunately it seems that maybe it took too long and now I will never have that opportunity again.
This is a lot to unload here, but I'm pretty sure no one I know reads this any more so I'm sure it doesn't matter. Really I just needed somewhere to vent without being told to stop projecting negative energy, or to try looking somewhere else, or to stop being so choosey. I just needed to say that I am feeling hurt and alone and like a failure, without anyone trying to tell me what I am doing wrong and how I have to fix it. Maybe I am just too late and there is nothing left out there for me and maybe I just have to be ok with that. In any case, it is not easy to do when every other commercial is about valentines and finding your perfect mate.
Signed, sad and lonely tonight
Cheers,
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