Thursday 31 January 2013

BUT FOR JUST 6 EASY PAYMENTS OF $93.39 YOU TOO COULD OWN A VITAMIX

Oh this has been a long time coming people, and by that I mean both this blog and the inevitable breakdown I had while watching the shopping network nearly a fortnight ago.

First off, let me start by saying, the lapse in blog was not my doing.  Well it was, but in a way that was related to a very busy schedule of kick-boxing, skating, spinning and training.  I have so much to share with you, but I'm afraid my crazy would be too overwhelming for one long blog so I may have to break this up over a few blogs.  Just pace yourself, if you're reading this, and if you begin to feel, at any time, the need to make an impulsive purchase from the shopping network followed by an immediate urge to go to Tim Horton's, even if you don't have a Tim Horton's because you live in Australia, please stop reading at once!  This is my disclaimer and I will not be held accountable for any ill fated decisions regarding shopping or eating.

Now let us begin by harkening back to yesteryore, or as I like to call it, Sunday of the week will.  I don't normally watch the shopping channel.  Nor do I typically eat omelettes and homefries I made myself on a Sunday morning, but sometimes things just kind of fall into place and this is where the story begins.  Actually the story begins further back if you recall my raw food expedition and cooking class.   Our instructor had this machine called a Vitamix.  I had never heard of such a contraption, but it's basically a blender on crack.  This thing can take any solid and turn in into ground up powder in seconds.  I think it has the horse power of a dodge hemi at a NASCAR race.  I also learned, on that fateful Sunday morning, that it is so powerful it can make hot soup simply by leaving the combined soup ingredients in the Vitamix for five minutes and letting the friction the blades generate do the work.  That's a powerful tool.  Now that I have accepted the fact that I have a gluten allergy, I find myself experimenting more and more in the kitchen.  And what's more, I find myself wanting to make things from scratch so I know exactly what is in them (see the pestle and mortar blog from earlier).  But so many recipes call for blenders and food processors and while I have a small blender that does a decent job at smoothies, I am limited in my abilities to pulverize food to a pulp like consistency as so many recipes call for.  And so, in a moment of weakness, watching the shopping channel showing off all the fancy features of the vitamin (it's a blender, food processor, ice cream maker, nut butter maker and 16 different kitchen appliances all in one!)  I logged onto the website and ordered.  What would regularly cost close to $700 at a store, will be mine in six easy payments of $93.39 and let me tell you, when that high-powered blending bastard gets delivered, I'm going to make things I didn't even know I could make.

Okay, so that's what happened almost two weeks ago, let's fast forward a bit now to last Sunday.  Actually wait, like all my stories, we have to back up a bit first.  So about two months ago a friend invited me to join her and her husband and some other friends to go to Ottawa in February to skate on the Rideau canal.  For those unfamiliar with this, it is a Canadian tradition that dates back for many years.  People skate the canal, some people skate to work, some just for leisure.  It is something I have always wanted to do, so when she asked I did not hesitate.  The hesitation came much later when I realized it's been nine years since I strapped a pair of blades to my feet and went out on the ice.  I wasn't worried though, as I told all my friends, "I was born skating, I took to it like a duck to water, I just know I'll pick it up again as soon as I get on the ice."  Nevertheless I thought it imperative to get out a couple of times and get some practice in, after all we will be skating 15km round trip, though we're stopping at a bar at the midway point, so the 7.5km back may be less graceful all around.  Last Friday I dug out the old figure skates and had them sharpened and then Sunday I headed to the outdoor rink, hopeful that it would be empty and I could have the rink to myself.  Now for anyone who is familiar with skating and skating rinks, let me describe this out door "rink." It was essentially a patch of grass behind the arena that they have flooded.  It's full of ruts and bumps and even a couple of hills.  It is also a perfect square shape and has no boards around the outside.  It's not ideal.  When I arrived, there was a husband and wife and their two young children shooting pucks at a net.  I thought, "well that's not too bad, it's only four people."  I started to lace up the skates, remembering then how uncomfortable they are, and then wondered how I would get from my vehicle to the ice surface that was about 20 feet away.  Not a large distance by any means, but when I took my first step on to the blades in almost a decade, I might as well have been crossing the Mohave desert.  I Bambi stepped my way across the snow covered grass and made it to the surface.  I took my first uncertain steps on to the ice and felt the familiar slice of the blade on ice.  I was still very unsteady and working with a small end of the "rink" while the family continued to shoot pucks at the net.  The father informed me they'd stay at their end and stay out of my way, clearly seeing how unsteady I was.  A mere six or seven strides in I caught a pick in a rut where grass was growing through the ice and went down like wounded gazelle.  I am exaggerating a little.  I dropped onto one knee, and then somehow through a miracle of god I managed to get back up like nothing happened.  Oh but something had happened and a few moments later, the five year old puck shooting child took it upon himself to offer me his assistance.  He skated over to me and said "skating is easy, you just have to bend your knees."  Now had this happened to anyone else and I saw it, it would have been heartwarming and sweet.  He was genuinely concerned and trying to help.  Being that I was on the receiving end of this child's encouragement, it was less endearing and more humiliating.  I politely smiled and explained it had been a long time since I'd been on skates, so much for a "duck in water."  I looked more like a wounded duck who had sustained a head injury.  After about ten or fifteen minutes I could feel I was beginning to get my ice-legs back, but then a new problem arose.  I realized, with a lack of board to help my get off the ice, there was a maximum potential for face plant upon exiting the rink.  Another ten minutes passed and the hockey family was beginning to pack up.  I thought "ok good, once they're gone I'll make my move to get off the ice and if I fall, no one will be there to witness it," kind of like the old adage, if a tree falls in the forrest...  This was not to be, for just as they began to load up, two car loads of people arrived.  I had only two options.  I could stay on the ice for the rest of the day until there was no one there, or I could just suck it up and go for it.  Since my feet were aching and I was beginning to get dizzy from going around in a circle on my small patch of ice, I opted to just go for it.  Amazingly, it went off without a hitch.  I feel like it wasn't totally inane to watch also, but I could have just been so exhilarated to be off the ice without further incident that I am remembering it with rose coloured glasses.

So it seems I have some work to do before Ottawa after all.  No need to worry, there's still time, and at the very least I'm sure it will generate more fodder for blog material.

I had some random commentary regarding Tim Horton's, but I think that's enough for one night.  My left eye is beginning to twitch and and I'm starting to feel like I need chocolate.  That's a sign that I should quit now while I'm ahead.

Cheers,

Friday 25 January 2013

S. McGRILLZ AND THE UNFORTUNATE CASE OF THE WATER COOLER

There is a social protocol that should exist, call it chivalry, call it manners, call it being a normal self aware human being, but there is a social protocol that should exist.  The key to this statement is the hinge word SHOULD.  Because the thing about SHOULD, is that it implies that there is another option out there, and that is in fact the case.

For what seems like an eternity,  I have long been fighting an uphill battle in the kitchen at work.  More to the point, an uphill battle at the water cooler.  There are many people in the office I work in, upwards of 20-30 on any given day.  With that many people filling variously sized water bottles and thermoses, inevitably the water cooler gets emptied and needs to be refilled.  Now, social protocol SHOULD dictate that if you empty the cooler, you should replace the cooler.   The other, and more popular option, is to walk away and let someone else deal with it.  There was a tipping point several months ago, when I happened to be in the kitchen washing a dish at the same time as a group of labourers were in the kitchen.  One guy was filling his water bottle when I heard him say "the water jug is empty."  When I turned around, I realized he had walked out of the kitchen, down the hall to the other water cooler to finish filling his water bottle, leaving the water cooler in the kitchen bone dry.  I know this is such a small thing in the grand scheme of life, but honest to god, it makes me bat shit crazy!! (sidebar: who was the first one to look at bat guano and say "well that's crazy?")  It makes me so crazy that I think I am now secretly called "water cooler nazi" behind my back.  In all fairness they could call me that to my face because I know I have some serious issues with the water cooler.

The thing is its not just a water cooler.  Well it is a water cooler, but its a metaphor.  Its the sad state of a societal back slide that runs the gambit from texting in meetings, ignoring the facilitator to letting the door slam in someone's face (and we all know how I feel about that).  I don't mean to harp people, because I believe that the human race is not totally a waste of time, and I believe in hope for our future. I just wish that we could all take a moment to reflect on the fact that we are not the only ones  in the whole world.  If you empty the coffee pot at work, make another pot, if you see someone struggling with a bunch of boxes etc, help them, if you can safely change lanes in traffic to allow someone to merge, do it.  These are simple things that will not cost you anything but time, and will make this world we live in, a better place.  We are all in this together, please don't loose sight of that and for the love of all things good and holy in this world, if you use up the last of the water in the water cooler jug, change the damned thing!!

Cheers,

Wednesday 16 January 2013

THIS IS NO PLACE FOR TIGHTY-WHITIES

The winter is upon us and I am a fair weather exerciser when it comes to outdoor activities such as bike riding and running.  Once the days turned even the slightest bit cool and windy, I headed for the safety of the treadmill.  I also decided, since I plan to do two try-a-tri this summer, adding onto my one try-a-tri of this past summer, that it would be key to keep up with the cycling.

Swimming is basically a lost cause, I can't do the commonly used butterfly stroke properly because my arms and legs start working against each other to the point where I am literally going nowhere and just thrashing around in a circle in the water.   It would be akin to watching a fin-less seal flop about.   I have invented a style of swim that is a cross between the doggy paddle and the breast stroke using the upper body style of breast stroke and the lower body style of the doggy paddle.  It's not pretty, but it does the trick.

There is, however, hope for massive improvement in the running and cycling department.  Last summer I completed the cycling portion of the triathlon in 36 minutes and the running portion in 24.  My bike time surpassed my expectations, but my running time was a dismal disappointment.  I am blaming the weather and lack of shade because, quite frankly, it's the only thing that gets me through.

So I've been running on a regular basis on the treadmill, which I know is not nearly as difficult as real life running, but I can already see some improvement.  Just prior to Christmas I tried a spin class for the second time in my life.  The first was in the spring before it was outdoor bike weather and it ended with me falling on my ass at the end of the class causing quite the spectacle.  Needless to say I was apprehensive.  The first spin class (second spin class really, but I don't count the embarrassing disaster, I just pretend it never happened) was better then I expected.  It seems my cycling on an almost daily basis in the summer paid off.  It was still very difficult and and I thought I might die, but I did it.  Tonight was my second class, first opportunity I've had to go since before Christmas.  Again, it was tough, but a really good challenge and very rewarding.

What is not rewarding is the gentlemen in the class who chooses to wear tight white bike shorts that basically look like jockey short underwear.  He is clearly in very good shape and judging by his thigh muscles, he is a regular cyclist.  Judging by what I saw at the stretching portion of the class tonight, he may also be Jewish.  People, there is a reason why they use white t-shirts in a wet t-shirt contest.  When white things get wet, i.e. sweat, they be come see-thru.  Now I'm sure he's a very nice person, but really, I don't need to see your sweaty butt when I'm trying to focus on my spinning and not pass out.  Somehow I ended up right behind this guy twice.  Tonight I even deliberately chose a spot away from him, but then we had to all shift around because it was such a large class, and there he was, large and in charge.  I genuinely don't want to bad mouth this guy, on the freakishly unlikely chance he follows my blog, and also because he does seem like a very nice person.  I guess maybe I could befriend him and buy him some new bike shorts, perhaps black??

Anyway, I'm headed to a retirement party tomorrow with some old colleagues.  I'm willing to bet there will be some antics to share afterwards.  Until next time.

Cheers,

Monday 14 January 2013

RANDOM MUSINGS

Is it me or does Machu Picchu not sound like something you would order at a international cuisine restaurant?  "Yes I'll have the machu picchu  please, easy on the picchu" or "can I get a side of lima beans with my machu picchu?"

Have you ever thought about what goes on a confetti factory? Is there just rows of people with hole punching machines sitting around punching paper all day?  Seriously, think about it...

Why is it that cursive writing is considered to be such a skill when we all use regular old print on a day to day basis?  If cursive writing is the end all be all of the written word, why didn't they use that for our keyboards??

What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about? (ok I stole that one from a Tylenol Nighttime commercial, but still it's a valid question).

If people can be disgruntled is anyone ever gruntled?

Just some food for thought...

Sunday 13 January 2013

EXCUSE ME.. I NEED SOME HELP, THIS VACUUM CLEANER DOESN'T SUCK

I think it would be very difficult to cheers with a martini glass, especially if the glasses were full.  It's just an odd shape and the aim and timing required to make sure to clink that small rim does not seem like the kind of coordination one gets from drinking martinis.  This is why I prefer to stick to wine.  The glasses are round, giving an easy full face for toasting.

I am, as of late, experiencing some technical malfunctions.  Eight or nine months ago I had to buy a new hair dryer after the one I'd had for a number of years finally bit the dust.  Like so many of my small to medium appliance purchases, I bought the replacement dryer at Wal-mart.  Sadly, post Christmas my new blow dryer, not even a year old, self destructed.  It was annoying and inconvenient since this happened the morning of my first day back to work post Christmas break and I was more the half way done.  Fortunately I keep a spare.  Well not exactly,  I have a small dryer I use for travel.  It's not nearly as powerful or as good, but comparatively to not working at all, it was the best option.  Now had I kept the receipt perhaps I could have done something since there was a 1 year warranty on the dryer.  Unfortunately the receipt and warranty information were no where to be found so I replaced the dryer.  It was $30, not really a huge investment.

Now, what was a rather large investment is the Dyson vacuum cleaner I bought just over five years ago, incidentally that is also the same length of time that the warranty is good for.  A little back story if you will indulge me.  For many years I have long fought the battle of the vacuum cleaner that did not suck.  Oh sure, you'd use them for a year or maybe two if you were lucky,  but inevitably they'd always  stop sucking and start, well, sucking.  It was frustrating, and I do not enjoy housework in any way, so any added frustration was just an excuse to avoid doing it at all.  Then one day it all changed.  A man of seemingly Swedish or Norwegian or some kind of Viking race decent, invented a vacuum that's sole claim was that it did not lose suction.  That's a tall order, and it seemed too good to be true.  But then people began to talk, and it seems the claims were not outlandish after all.  One small issue, the cost of clean floors comes at a hefty price, upwards of $500.  So I started to save and then one Christmas my mom gave me a gift certificate towards the Dyson.   I got my Dyson, and it changed my life.  It truly does have the most exceptional suction of all its vacuum predecessors.  In fact it sucked so much that it lifted the area rug right off the floor, the lights in the entire house dim when it starts.  Impressive.  Or at least it was until just after the warranty expired.  Now I have a $500 vacuum that barely sucks at all.  So now what?  This is where I'm at, I have no warranty and my floors are dirty.  This weekend I picked up a pamphlet from Wal-mart containing a customer service number for Dyson.  This is my only hope, but sadly they were closed for the weekend so my quest will continue into this week...

Well I hope you're weekend has been full of adventure and embarrassing memories to last a lifetime.

Cheers,


Friday 11 January 2013

SOMETIMES I SERIOUSLY WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON!

Some days, no matter how hard you try to keep an up beat positive outlook on the world, things just transpire to evict you out of your happy place.

Today at lunch I had a misadventure.  My lunch only took a half an hour and I had another 30 minutes to kill.  I decided to be proactive and take a trip to the grocery store for the last 30 minutes of lunch, (20 by the time I got there and finished rocking out to The Bare Naked Ladies "Brian Wilson" in the parking lot) saving myself a trip at the end of the day.  I grabbed a basket and gathered the few items I needed, few enough that standing behind a cart full of groceries seemed unnecessary, but not few enough that I could hit the express lane.  So I picked a lane with only one woman who had approximately the same amount of items as I had.  Unfortunately for me she turned out to be trying out for the TV show Extreme Couponing.  If I was casting that show I would have had to turn her down, because, believe it or not, she was doing it wrong.  If you're going to use coupons for every single item you've placed on the grocery conveyor belt it is best to check to make sure the coupons are valid!!  Finally she gets to the part where one typically pays for their groceries and then leaves, she somehow manages to scramble the debit machine causing it to require a restart.  As if this isn't enough, after the debit machine has restarted and she is about to pay, she remembers her points card and that she has a $5 credit on it and she'd like the clerk to cancel it all so she can redeem her points. MOTHER F*&%ER!!!! Are you kidding me???  I will give you $5 dollars if you just take your tide and cat food and go home!!

But the madness doesn't end there friends, ohhhhhh nooooo.  It's my turn now and somehow the chicken has no price tag on it so the meat boy must be summoned to do a price check.  While I'm waiting for the meat boy to return, the weirdo behind me starts making the same joke over and over again "the chicken has no price, it must be free" and "I though it was free chicken day today," and he wouldn't stop until someone acknowledged him.  His joke was not funny or clever.  For god's sake if you were trying to be clever "free range chicken" would have been the way to go, it's right there!!  Then after the poor clerk gives him a polite smile he begins to ask her why they designed the grocery conveyor belt the way they did, specifically why it narrows as it approaches the cashier.  This girl looks like she is a high school student trying to earn some extra cash.  On what planet would she possibly know why the grocery conveyor belt was designed the way that it was??  Thanks be to Vishnu the meat boy returned with my chicken, price tag and all and finally I could go.

That's pretty much where this story ends.  It was a full 20 minutes of ridiculous three-ring-circus type action and I am still trying to determine if I'll be seeing myself on a candid camera show at some time in the future.

I guess that's all for today,

Cheers

Thursday 10 January 2013

WHAT'S MY TOPIC TODAY

Well it's January 10th, ten whole days in to 2013 and what can I tell you about this new year that is upon me?

Frankly very little.  Sadly I rang in the new year with the influenza virus that everyone has been spreading around. I know it is the season for giving, but somethings are best left unshared.  I am hopeful that my time spent hugging the toilet is not going to be indicative of the rest of the year.  I am determine to stay positive in the face of this adversity.  I am operating under the hope that starting this year off with an illness means that I have gotten all future 2013 viruses out of my system.  

In other news, I took a bold step, quite literally, by getting on the scale for the first time post Christmas.  Now there is a back story here that can be traced back to the beginning of November.  Let's take a walk back in time to the beginning of November 2012.  I thought if I could drop 5lbs before the holiday food season was upon me that I would have a 5lb buffer, and while I cam close to my goal, I didn't quite get there, missed it by 1lb.  Nevertheless, I was pleased with these results and by the middle of December I decided my new Christmas weight goal would be to maintain my weight over Christmas and not worry about loosing.  A modest and seemingly reasonable goal, which unfortunately lead me down a slippery slope.  As the festive season grew nearer and with each passing party I could feel my "just stay even" plan going out the window.  "It's okay" I told myself, "maybe we can have a 2lb range."  And then the cookies happened.  One bite of chocolate chunk cookies, shortbreads, and caramel apple cheesecake bites and I was done for.  I turned into the hulk on a feeding frenzy.  My goal of "just stay the same" went to "just a couple pounds" went to "I'll deal with it in the new year" and finally ended up with "you only live once, just eat it all!"  So here we are, present day, 2013, and I am happy to announce, that while I did not stick to "staying the same"  I did manage to eke out the 2lb rule, although it did take a 3 day cleanse to get me back there and also the flu probably helped.

The point is, we all make outlandish plans to behave at Christmas and even more outlandish plans to turn into lean mean fitness machines in the New Year.  The reality is, it's Christmas, you're going to gain weight and you can't deprive yourself or feel guilty.   I think if you can land somewhere between "just a few guilt free pounds" and "I'll deal with it in the New Year" you'll be fine.  Also, you definitely can get it back under control in the New Year as long as you leave those Christmas eating habits behind.  Also, don't jump into a fitness routine that's really not for you.  Ease into it and find something you like to do or you'll hurt yourself and/or hate it and give up.  Trust me, I know.   One more thing, i don't endorse the flu as a form of weight control.

Just another little note.  I know it's been forever since I blogged and I do apologize for such an absence.  I won't promise that I'll be blogging every day and I can't promise there won't be prolonged periods of bloglessness again, but I will do my best to keep you all up to date on my day to day progress of life in 2013.  It's a scary new place, but if we stick together we'll get through it.

Cheers,