There is no easy way or obvious place to start this blog. It has been one colossal disaster after another today. I suppose if I had to put my finger on the pulse of where things began to unravel I'd have to harken back to Wednesday. It seems a rather unfortuitous incident set the tone for a series of mishaps so epically comical in their occurrence it would seem unlikely that they could even coexist.
It all starts with my refusal to purchase a new wallet in spite of the fact that my current wallet is literally falling apart. The zipper has become more of an ornamental feature, and on occasion, a hindrance rather then a help when I'm trying to unzip to access various cards, cash and coin. But I have been soldiering on, limping my little wallet along with each passing day. You see this wallet has been the best wallet format I ever known. There is ample coin space, slots for cash or notes or postage stamps and the card storage is beyond compare. What's more is this tiny suitcase in charge of carrying all my worldly goods, came with a snazzy strap which made for easy transport. Also, it's red.
Now I know a wallet made from god-only-knows what material, manufactured in China, is in no way going to last the span of an average human wallet-carrying life, but I was hoping I could make it last for just a few more decades. Unfortunately it had other ideas. On Wednesday, where this swan song begins, my wallet ended up in a toilet. And not a toilet in my own house either. It was a toilet at a coffee shop I had stopped at. My wallet, was safe and securely (or so I thought) in the pocket of my sweatshirt, where it has resided many times before, but as I made ready to squat down I heard a mighty "sploosh" and when I looked, there was my wallet sinking into the depths. Without a thought for my own safety I plunged a hand in and retrieved said wallet, then headed straight for the sink. In retrospect this may have been a cry for help from my wallet. In a bungled attempt to commit Harry-Karry my wallet leapt from my pocket into the watery abyss, only to be saved for another days service.
Today's episode was a much more dramatic attempt to put an end to the wallet's suffering. This morning I had plans to meet friends at the One of a Kind Show in Toronto. This is an arts and crafts show of very high quality and I was very much looking forward to it. I was up early and out the door with my smoothie breakfast in hand. When I arrived at the show I still had 3/4 of a blueberry banana smoothie left. Like a rube I thought "I'll just throw that in my bag with my wallet and drink it later." Oh what a ridiculous plan indeed, but after a late night followed by an early morning, my brain was not totally firing on all cylinders yet. I ended up being about 45 minutes earlier then my friends which worked out well since I had a couple of things I specifically wanted to buy and I could get them before it got too busy. This, my friends, is when things took a tragic turn for the worst. Somewhere between the tapinade guy and the waxed linen bracelets my smoothie bottle overturned and spewed forth its contents like lava from Mt Vesuvius. It completely engulfed my wallet, and there I stood trying to pick up a coated dripping mess of a wallet while simultaneously keeping my cool that there was "nothing to see here." I made a mad dash for the restrooms in a feeble attempt to rescue my wallet once again. But I was foiled by the motion-sensor technology which sets off the faucet and no matter how frantically I waved my wallet, the sensor would not budge. This time there was no reckoning to be had. And so I sit on the sofa, while the entire contents of my wallet are airing out all across the kitchen counters. My wallet, may it rest in peace, is currently at the bottom of a fresh garbage bag where it has finally met its destiny. Tomorrow I will begin my quest anew to find a replacement, but I do not relish this task.
To add insult to an already injured day, when I returned home I discovered, to my horror, that the satellite dish programming had seemingly been erased. Thanks again Ma Bell! Oh well, at least the lapse of television has led to yet another stunning blog.
Also I got butter chicken sauce on my brand new white hoodie.
Cheers,
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